I remember 5 years ago when my wife and I almost divorced she told me “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” I remember not only was I shocked that she would say this. But I was also kind of confused as to what it even meant. How is that possible?
Once I started doing Marriage Fitness it all made sense finally.
Here is how Mort Fertel says it, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!
So basically when a person says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” they’re saying that they care about you but are not excited about you.
I remember when I heard this I thought there was no chance that our marriage will ever be reconciled, it was over.
I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You – Does It Mean Its Over?
When you care about someone it is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But caring is a lot different than love. I care about the starving children in third world countries, but I don’t love them.
Also when your excited about someone it’s a good thing. But it is very than love. You might get excited about a movie star, singer, or professional sports player, but that doesn’t mean you love them.
Someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is making a distinction between different loves. In fact, what they are expressing is their confusion about what love really is. And that is the reason they are having problems in their marriage.
What is love? Love is a verb, right? It’s not a feeling that someone else can give you, it is an experience you receive as a result of things you do for another person. Look at your children for example, you love them right? You don’t love them because of everything they have done for you, you love them because of everything you do for them.
In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with and for your spouse to build love in your marriage.
I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You – How Can You Build Love In Your Marriage?
There are laws for relationships just like there are physical laws of the universe, like gravity. The right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger and certain things you can do in your marriage WILL actually make your relationship stronger. If you know these laws and apply them, you can “make” love.
Marriage Fitness was designed for this reason. Mort Fertel wanted to offer people a step-by-step system that would help them create and maintain love in their marriage. And the program works for any marriage, even if only one spouse does it, like I did.
Of course, this is all fine and good, but it’s really your spouse who needs to hear this, right?
Believe me when I say moving your spouse from “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” to “Okay, let’s give this another chance” is not an easy task. If this is your situation, it’s crucial you handle it strategically. One false step and your marriage could be over. After my wife told me she loved me but wasn’t in love with me I pushed her further and further away. But if you take the right steps, you can draw your spouse back in and begin to restore your marriage TOGETHER, just like I did. How do you do that?
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